Sweet Te3

I was at the movies with my sister, we saw this beautiful girl with long hair walk in and she was sitting with someone that looked familiar, little did I know it was him.  I guess that girl was his date.  I could tell he was into her by the way he looked at her, he was trying to make her laugh and stuff..but she never seemed interested..or amused…  The thing was she was talking to him but he said very little, like he was a bit nervous when he was with her.  The girl that he was with, seemed mean, she gave us the “look to kill” and got up and walked out.  He got up to follow her..my sister yelled something..that insulted him and the girl..he looked back at me..with almost a sad face and concern….as if we had a history together but he had to let it go…he kind of knew and he knew what he was getting himself into…yet he was still going to follow after her…

I realized my life is full of random puzzle pieces, a lot of them are incomplete.  This explains the constant emptiness I feel inside as a person.  There’s so many under developed characteristics, qualities that normal people my age have already excelled in and moved on to other things.  It’s like I always start things but never finish them, therefore parts of me are scattered.  I am always anxious when someone wants to see me or know me, I get so nervous for the most ridiculous things.  I keep biting down on my tongue, hold all feelings captive and drown in loneliness. 

There’s not many people in my life, and it’s hard for me to let anyone in.  It’s hard for me to be on a personal level.  Or I just feel like I don’t belong.  I could love someone but I never tell them that.. including my own family.  I don’t like it when my mom wanted to hug me but it was her birthday so I let her hug me.  I didn’t hug her..or hug her back..yet she still thanked me.  At twenty-three years old, I am still not used to “common” simple affection/love.

Sometimes I feel like a robot, like I was not programed for this but I am always curious on how it feels like, and whether I have the right reaction.  Everything is all so new to me, it’s like I just woke up and taking the first step.  I seem to be a slow learner, it’s almost like I never remember anything for long and it has to be taught to me again and again…..maybe I will be normal someday?  But why be normal, they say.